If I knew who I was, my life would be a lot less complicated.
Instead, I'll take random quotes out of context, as well as my resume, and hope you can assemble something reasonable. :)

James: I don't like the past, and I want to change it.
Rich: Too late, it's already in Git.

I'd sleep with you, but I hate you.
- Rich, to Venk

It's like you're becoming...not a man, the other thing...a snake!
James, regarding Rich's first Debian package.

Okay Jon, I won't talk about our secret love.
See? You see how easy that was?
Rich, Jon

R: I can only deal with 12 problems at once.
Z: Rich, I have another problem.
R: Go to hell.
Z: No, no, this one's more important than all the others!
R: How so?
Z: I made it up.
Rich, Matt Z, Rich, etc.

I bet I could convice Ziegs to do it!
You could convince Ziegs to do lines of Firefox off someone's butt......that doesn't mean you should.
Patrick, Rich

In any event, the mouth is involved very intimately.
Rich

I mean, that's not that hard. You need at most log(n^2) time.
Rich, in reference to finding the G-spot
(Actually, thinking about it further, that'll only find a local maximum...which, while probably correct, isn't actually guaranteed.)

Ian: Do you believe in God?
James: Is this still part of the conversation about Rich's penis?